The gears of this world are well-oiled
with sweat from our brows and backs,
black tides of war clicking over
latitudes and longitudes and dashing down minutes to the
next sun’s placement, the place where
illumination and altitude combine.
There is a moment when all the stars
are looking right at you, zoning in on
your smile – the burning arc – a
stroke of eternity on human skin.
All eyes on the morning and the evening star,
you know there is such a thing as perfect when
a world that has fallen into ashes
still burns beauty
into a vacuum faraway.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I have to say, the best thing about your poetry is your style, not your message. Because here, I was too involved in the beauty of your words to actually understand them--and that's not a good thing. Maybe you should simplify this poem, and I would understand it. What does it say? Mean? It sounds good, and the imagery is wonderful...but it just doesn't spur any emotion in me. It's too... untangible and distant.
I love all the mechanical imagery here!
I like this line especially because it gives such a lovely, vivid image!
Here, it changes from first person to plural to third person; I don't know if I like it. Where as before, it seemed very (literally) universal, it's more focused, and it's a startling transition. The words and images are still nice, it's just the tense that jarred me.
I really like the last stanza. The first stanza started off really connecting to the calendar theme from the title, but it became less so as the poem progressed, and I think there, as pretty as everything was, it lost a tad of direction.
Loveliness, Gummy!
I liked the wording in this acutally. The only problem for me was that you have one period in each stanza and it made it a little awkward to read. Other than that I really liked this. The meaning was awesome, as always.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Wow, I really do like your style, the others have picked out the tiny little things, except I do like the word vacuum at the end. Though the title still baffles me.
Just some picky stuff. I really enjoyed reading this - it was simple and descriptive and reminded me of some small clockwork model of the planets.
into a vacuum faraway. [Did you mean to write far away as 'faraway' or is that just a typo? Either way, I think it works better with the two words seperated.]
Other than that, I found very little to fault and it's an original, imaginative piece. Your imagery is very beautiful and the ending is absolutely perfect but the flow in the first stanza is a little off. In fact, I have a few general suggestions for that stanza -
The gears of this world are well-oiled
with sweat from our brows and backs, [Perhaps a full stop here rather than comma?]
black tides of war clicking over
latitudes and longitudes and dashing down the minutes to the
next sun’s placement, the place where
illumination and attitude [Did you mean to use attitude? Only I think altitude fits better...] combine.
____________________
Anyway, it's a brilliant piece so keep up the good work!
I actually rather adored this. ^^ Beautiful, Gummy; that last stanza, particularly, is chock full of absolutely gorgeous imagery.
Wow, I love it.It was really beautiful, and I loved the last stanza, the contrasts there were amazing.Your imagery was fresh and interesting. I wish I could say something more constructive, but I really can't find fault with this. Excellent.
I disliked the way you worded this:
And the last two lines both boded ill for me.
Just some quick impressions, courtesy of
~The CCF
The word vacuum sticks out like a sore thumb and it instantly distracted me. I suggest you find a word more suiting that can't be interpreted as out of place.